An intelligent moron
by Niki-the-awesome
Summary: Female reporter used 'seduction'. It wasn't very effective. Just some sexual innuendo's that Alfred doesn't understand. "I want you to take me." "...Take you where?"


**I just had the most discouraging dream. Like, WOW. So, I decided to randomly write this. ****Warning: ****There is no actual sex or anything…or touching actually. The woman just kind of implies stuff (and Alfred has no idea what she is talking about). Tony also swears a bit. I don't own Hetalia.**

She sat on the couch, her legs crossed as she stared down at the pen and paper in her hand. America moved in the kitchen, preparing coffee as he continuously glanced back at her and thought-

_Why the hell doesn't she have a laptop? Seriously? What is she, a reporter from the 60's? Pen and paper are so 20__th__ century._

He pushed the thoughts from his head as he poured the black liquid into one of the pots, a smile spreading across his face.

He loved coffee.

Coffee was…he couldn't even. It wasn't as amazing as McDonalds or KFC, but it was pretty damn close. And it was thanks to his little black liquid friend that he was able to tackle so many all nighters in order to finish some important paper work.

He poured a bit of milk in the second cup before adding some sugar. In the first cup, he dumped five tablespoons of sugar. Hey, he liked his coffee like he liked his Saturday morning cartoons, super sweet but still incredibly badass.

He moved back to the couch, offering the woman her drink before sitting on the opposite end of the couch.

"Alright, so, what can I do for yah?"

"Well, as you know sir-"

"It's fine," He waved, blowing on his hot beverage, "Just call me Alfred."

"Ok Alfred, as you know I came here from Time Magazine for an interview." America nodded, "So I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about some…certain topics."

America smiled, his one legs kicking back and forth subconsciously as he took a tentative sip from his coffee.

"I wouldn't mind, but please…I keep telling you people that I don't take any political standpoint on the issues at hand."

"And we're well aware of that s-…Alfred. I just wanted to ask a few questions about some general topics." He smiled at her and nodded.

"Then shoot away!"

She flipped open her notepad and looked over the various scribbled that laid inside.

"So…how are you feeling after the recession? Now that the economy is slowly getting better, does that mean you are too." Alfred laid his head back on the couch.

So it was one of those interviews?

Awesome…

It's not like EVERY OTHER newspaper had already asked him the same questions. He switched his mind to interview autopilot as his mind took off.

_I wonder if NASA has gotten any recent pictures back from deep space…I should go there after this.._

"Oh yah, I'm feeling a lot better now. I still sneeze every now and again but at least now I can walk. But it was nothing like the depression! I was out for at least a couple of months on that one." He forced a laugh that seemed genuine. She smiled and wrote that down.

_People never ask me what my favorite movie or song is….probably why I like it more when seventeen magazine asks me questions…sure half of them are dumb but at least they want to get to know who I am…none of this political bullshit._

"And you're enjoying working with your new boss?"

_Wow, haven't been asked THAT yet. _He mentally rolled his eyes.

However, his face brightened as he gave her a chipper smile.

"Oh yah, Obama is awesome. He has a lot of big ideas of this place…so, I can only hope that he will do well."

"Hope?"

_Bitch._

"Oh, you know what I mean! I'm sure he's going to be just what I need to get back on my feet!"

She flipped through some more of her notes, her eyes off of him for a moment, allowing him to examine her. She didn't look that old…so why was she acting like it? She couldn't be more than 35…

It wasn't that he didn't like Time Magazine. He loved the people there…it was just….because they couldn't ask him any intense political questions, they had to play it safe and always ask the same ones.

And after DECADES IT GOT A LITTLE OLD!

She smiled and closed the notepad, quickly pushing some of her bangs behind her ear.

"To be honest…I guess you have been asked these a lot."

_Thank god_

"Oh, well you know…you guys don't have a lot to go on…"

"I have an idea…how about I ask you some questions that people really want to know?" He chuckled as she turned her body towards his.

"Isn't that your job in the first place?"

"If your 19, that means you can't drink alcohol right? Is that hard for you?"

"You don't know the half of it," He placed his coffee down on a coaster as he sat back up, "Everyone is always having these dinner parties that I have to go to, and half of the time I can only have ginger ale or root beer because the host or hostess thinks I'm too young to drink! I've been around before their great great grandparents! I think I have the legal right to drink!"

"So, you can't drink?"

"Well…it depends on the person I am with. Most people don't mind since I am old enough, and I AM a bit of an exception to the rule."

"Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?"

"Um…I don't have to answer that do I?" She smiled and placed her own coffee down as well.

"What's your favorite state?"

"I can't choose really but…I do like going to the beach. And too be honest, ever since Palin said that she could see Russia from her house, I get a creepy feeling that he can see me whenever I go to Alaska."

"What's your favorite car?"

"I like riding motorcycles. Especially when I'm with Mattie, or…um Canada." A large smile appeared on his face as he began to subtly bounce on the seat. This was fun. He wasn't as used to rapid fire personal questions.

"Are you dating anyone?" He laughed.

"Oh, no. I've actually never been on a date…it's kind of hard for countries to do that. I would like to though, but first I have to find someone." He failed to notice her inch closer.

"Does that mean you've never been kissed?" His cheeks flushed slightly.

"No…I have once but, I don't kiss and tell." She smiled up at him.

"Oh, you don't do you? So we can't know who this mystery woman is?" He smiled and chuckled again.

"Nope. I was literally raised by Britain, so I naturally have to be a gentleman about such things."

_A hero is always considerate of these sorts of things._

"What happened?" Her skirt hitched slightly, so more of her leg was exposed.

Again, Alfred failed to notice.

"Oh, well I was travelling when I ran into a protest for the woman's rights movement and there was this young woman…well I was surprised when it happened to say the least."

She tugged on the edge of her skirt further, this time the movement attracting the man's attention. He pointed down at her legs.

"Aren't you cold?"

"Oh no…I'm actually quite hot."

Alfred shrugged.

"Ok. Any other questions?" She ran her fingers slowly through her hair…

Whish was kind of dumb because honestly, if she was going to brush her hair with her fingers she should do it quickly.

Alfred would know.

If you do it slowly then it takes longer to tug out the knots.

"So…I guess she was a very patriotic woman." Her voiced changed.

Alfred failed to notice.

"I guess. I don't know. We didn't really talk. She just kind of…stuck her tongue in my mouth for a couple of minutes then thanked me before running off."

_I kind of felt used…_

The woman made a noise in her throat before un-crossing her legs.

"Is it true that you…have a lot of stamina?"

"Yup, when in war I could literally fight for days before I had to stop. It's only bad if I forget to eat."

"And I hear you're actually very strong." He shrugged.

"Well, I mean…I can lift a car but…it really isn't that big of a deal considering I'm a country-"

"Can I feel your arm?" Alfred lit up.

"Oh, yah sure!"

She edged closer to him and gently placed her hands on his bicep. He smiled cheerfully as she just looked at the muscle.

"Oh my-"

"Oh, it's nothing really!" He gushed, happy that someone was actually complimenting him (since the majority of the time people just kept dumping on him for not 'reading the atmosphere' or whatever. It wasn't HIS fault he still couldn't find a book on it!)

He sat, awaiting her next question as her fingers slowly trailed away from his arm and down to his chest. A giggle bubbled up from his throat.

"Oh, you're ticklish?" She said…rather close to his ear.

"Yah! But don't tell anyone! ESPECIALLY Russia. He would totally use it against me."

"mm, I'm sure he would." She mumbled, her face now coming up to his.

She was slowly moving on top of him now…which was kind of weird.

Since this had never happened in any of his other interviews. Alfred examined her incredibly close face while wondering why she had decided to invade his personal bubble so much.

"Do you really need those glasses?" She…purred? He shrugged while still smiling at her.

"My vision is fairly good. I only need them to see details of things that aren't close to me." She slowly pulled them off his face and placed them down on the table, causing him to frown a little.

He just wasn't complete without Texas…

"Can you still see me?"

"Um….yah. You aren't exactly far away." She was weird.

Alfred had decided there might be something off about this woman…but he couldn't quite place his finger on it. She caressed his face, hers inches from his.

"You look different without them."

_Well DUH._

"Yah, I can't decide if I look better or worse." She pulled away slightly while moving her hands down, her fingers edging at his tie, slowly loosening it.

"I think you look good."

"Thanks…I guess."

_Seriously? Why is she so close? What's her deal? Am I-_

_OH MY GOD…._

_She's Italian._

Alfred mentally slapped himself for not realizing it sooner. Italians TOTALLY had like, NO personal bubble when they were around people! Hell, Italy once hugged Russia, and that's saying something.

_It's just in her culture to be close…and that's fine! Because everyone is welcome in America!_

Alfred smiled to her, now happy for figuring out the puzzle (and praising himself for being such a GENIUS)

She smiled back and leaned closely to his ear, her breath tickling him.

"You know, I'm a very patriotic woman myself Alfred."

"That's cool. Is that after you moved to America?" She quickly brought her head up, looking him in the eyes.

"What? No...I was born here."

"Then…your parents?"

"…also born here."

"Oh…ok."

_DAMN _

Alfred furrowed his brows, now once again caught in a pickle. If she was raised here…and so were her parents…then why so touchy?

He quickly ran over all his states, trying to remember which would be most likely to produce people with no personal bubbles.

Her fingers finished untying the knot so that his tie now came undone, her body slowly moving over his.

Alfred didn't notice.

Her hand now moved to his thigh, slowly rubbing the jeans as she brought her mouth to his ear again.

"I-"

"Um, I'm not cold either." She slowly looked at him again.

"…pardon?"

"I said I'm not cold. You're rubbing my leg," They both looked at her hand, "but I'm not cold."

"…What?"

"See, like, last time I went to Russia it was like, friggin FREEZING. And when I told him that he began to rub my legs and when I asked him like 'what are you doing?' he was like 'I'm warming you up'. So yah. Oh! But it's more of a Russia thing, because when I was at Canada's house and he said that he was cold and I began to rub his leg, he punched me in the face."

She stared at him blankly.

"So yah….don't go rubbin legs in Canada. Apparently, that's a bad thing."

Her brows furrowed.

"Alfred, I'm not rubbing your leg to…well I am trying to warm you….it's not because your cold Alfred-"

"Yah, that's what I said."

_What is she? Foreign AND deaf?_

"Alfred, I'm not rubbing your leg to make you not cold."

"oh….then why the hell are you rubbing my leg?"

She moved herself so she was now fully on top of him, her hands moving up to his chest, her fingers unbuttoning his shirt.

"I want you to do me Alfred."

_What?_

"Uh, what?" She stopped her task and looked at him again, confusion spreading across her face.

"…pardon?"

"I said what."

"What do you mean what?"

"I-I don't know! I don't know what the hell you're saying! You can't DO a person! The grammar doesn't make sense!" He frowned at her, "Aren't you a journalist? Shouldn't your grammar be like…really good?"

She gawked for a moment before giving a sigh.

"I want, Alfred," She leaned in again, her fingers now tracing along his collar bone, "I want you to take me."

"Where?" She pulled back again, this time annoyance on her face.

"What?"

"Well if I'm gonna TAKE you somewhere lady I should know where the hell I'm going!"

_Jeez, journalists these days. No freakin respect. And why's she getting so pissy? I'm the one who's gonna have to pay for the gas!_

She gave a frustrated sigh before grabbing at the two sides of her shirt.

And ripping the front open.

The blouse popped open, sending buttons flying this way and that as Alfred looked at her in shock. A smile crossed her face as she moved her hips closer to his.

"Oh." He said, staring at her as she nodded.

"Yes Alfred."

"Well…you didn't have to take your damn shirt off."

"No…it seems as though it was very necessary." He shook his head, looking back up at her with a confused expression.

"Not...really. I mean, if you didn't like the top you could have just SAID so. You didn't have to break it like that," He pouted and she stared in shock as he actually pulled the torn blouse off of her, staring at it in his hands, "If you wanted to go to the mall to get some clothes you could have just SAID so…god….and people say I'M the dramatic one." He mumbled the last part, examining the top to see if it could be salvaged.

It was quite pretty after all.

"Well, if we're going to get there at a decent time then we better go now." He made to leave, but was suddenly pushed further into the couch by the woman, who took him by the shoulders. She glared at him.

"I don't WANT you to take me to the MALL Alfred."

"Then where do you wana go-"

"I don't want you to take me ANYWHERE Alfred." He scoffed at her.

"Well then why did you ask? Are you PMSing lady seriously! One minute you tell me to take you somewhere and now you're ripping your shirt for no reason-"

She suddenly grabbed his hand and placed it on her chest.

His hand cupping her left breast.

His face becoming a dark shade of red.

She smiled. "Do you understand Alfred."

A smile cracked and faltered on his face. "O-oh."

"Yes."

"U-u-uh….yah….um…" She reached out to touch his face, which suddenly became serious. "Listen, uh, I'm not a doctor."

She froze.

"…what?"

"I know…I might SEEM like I would know what to do but seriously, I don't know the first thing there is to know about this kind of stuff. Like, I barely know what to do with a fever, never the less checking someone for diseases."

Her brain did not compute.

"…w-what?"

"Like, if you need someone to check you you should totally go see Britain. He's a doctor, did you know, it's kind of a secret but he totally is. Like, growing up I would always find random people in the house and he would be examining them and such. He told me that's because he was a doctor. He's actually pretty cool like that."

"…what?"

"Yah, like, it didn't happen too often because he I think they would visit him when Matthew and I were out, but totes this one time I walked in and-"

"ALFRED." He jumped.

"Uh-yes?"

"I DO NOT want you to give me a physical!"

He let out a whimper.

"Then what do you WANT from me?"

"I thought it was pretty obvious Alfred-"

"Well apparently not!" He cried out, confusion and a hint of fear in his voice. She stared at him, not really knowing what else do to.

So she shrugged.

And stuck her hand in his jeans.

Which she guessed would cause him to get all flustered or very quiet…or maybe he would then finally smarten up and begin flirting back.

But she didn't really expect him to scream suddenly.

Or to kick her off of him.

That…was kind of a surprise.

"TONY!" He screamed, falling over the back of the couch and shuffling away from the woman. The grey being shuffled out from one of the rooms, coming over to Alfred.

'What?'

"TONY!" Alfred cried, suddenly latching onto his friend while wailing incomprehensible gibberish. The woman sat up from the floor, a bewildered expression on her face.

"Wh-what just happened?"

'I can't understand you America.'

"S-SHE BAD TOUCHED ME!" He wailed, shaking the small being around.

'I have no f*cking idea what that means.'

"Sh-she-"

"EVERYBODY FREEZE! FBI!" A man hollered as he busted through the door, several other men following him as the reporter blinked at the scene in front of her.

"Wh-"

"Sir, are you alright?" The man asked, paying no attention to the extra terrestrial being beside him. The alien looked at the tall man.

'What the f*ck is a bad touch?'

"Did that thing just talk?" One of the men asked as the leader knelt beside Alfred.

"Sir, we heard a commotion and-" Alfred pointed at the woman, tears streaming down his face.

"SHE INVADED FLORIDA!"

"I-WHAT?" She cried out, one of the men gasping and tackling her to the ground. Alfred turned back to Tony and sobbed into the kink of his neck, the being giving out a sigh.

'You're getting me wet'

"Tony thank god you were here…I could have been RAPED Tony! I could have been VIOLATED."

'What the f*ck is he talking about?' The grey being asked the FBI leader. The man took of his hat and shook his head.

"I hope you never have to find out my ugly little friend."

Tony gave him the finger.

'You people are f*cking insane.'

"QUICK! I NEED SOME HOT CHOCOLATE STAT!"

A couple of hours later…

Alfred sat mumbling and sniffling in Britain's lap (much to the dismay of the man) as he held his hot chocolate. Arthur stroked the younger mans hair and cooed to him little words in order to calm him down. Tony glared at the man from the corner, making sure apparently no more 'bad touching' happened.

"That little tart," Arthur snarled, continuing to pet Alfred, "How DARE she touch my little brother! I SWEAR when I get my hands on her-"

"Arthur…I am sorry to say that you don't have any legal right to do anything-"

"The hell I don't! Look what she did to him! Do you know how many times he's going to call me in the middle of the night now? I need my SLEEP damn it!"

Obama sighed as he rubbed his temples, the rest of the secret service attempting to help their crying nation by bringing him cookies and sweets. When he denied his McDonalds, agent Orally actually fainted.

"I should have never let him interview alone…" He mumbled, staring at the older nation continued to sooth the younger one.

He could just see the headlines now. Established reporter apparently invading Florida…whatever that meant. He sighed again. This was going to be one hell of a story.

**VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV**

I can just see the headlines now…..

Lol, Arthur is a 'doctor'…well he had to tell the kids something!

Oh, and Alfred uses 'bad touch' because when he was little, France would visit the house every now and again (to see Matthew). So Britain taught Alfred that if anyone ever touched him 'there' then it was a 'bad touch' and he should call Britain right away. A few days later, France was visiting Matthew and when Alfred saw France adjusting Matthew's new belt, he thought it was a 'bad touch' situation. Needless to say Britain busted into the room and beat up Francis (for no reason really…he was literally just adjusting the belt..)

So yah, hope that was good. I decided that the FBI and CIA actually know about Tony, and that they secretly stalk Alfred to make sure he doesn't get like, stabbed or anything. Hope that was funny =P


End file.
